A
from the cold,hard
deathbed in a hospital
he uttered a monosyllable
into the phone
I knew it was
the last fragment
of his voice for me.
*********************************
No I was not
hoping against hope
as the kilometres lessened
I knew the distance
between papa and me
had extended
to a fixed forever
that would never change
**********************************
The sunset that day
was special
he had not waited
long enough for it
and it was the first
of the many for me
without him
breathing
***********************************
I walked in
he lay there
a corpse for the world
for me my dad still
I was thinking about
was mom's medicine
and phone calls to be made
***********************************
I didn't stop my tears
there weren't any
I was aware he was gone
but all I felt
was a deep hollow
inside me
emptiness and calm
************************************
His body was being bathed
ritual after ritual
tie the toes
fold the hands
the smile gone
the eyes closed
I ran my fingers through his hair
one last time
I am sure he liked it
so did I
************************************
My child touched his forehead
kissed his cheek
she had been told
he will always love her
I know she will
always know
Karmic connections
************************************
the van was shaky
I had put my hand on his chest
the chanting
was the only rhythm
my heart was
as still as his.
*************************************
He was placed on the pyre
He had once told me
about the five elements
I knew what I had to do
fire was the final test.
*************************************
Most people had left
two more pyres were afire
I kept looking at the flames
long and close enough
to feel the ash
on my skin
in my breath
peace, peace, peace
I knew much later
I was chanting.
**************************************
The beauty of the moment
of letting go
is the clarity
about who I am
and what I want
***************************************
I had read somewhere
nothing ever goes away
until it has taught us
what we need to know
I washed a few pieces of bone
and put them in a pot
I learnt the meaning of life
************************************
thunder and lightening
a journey within a journey
darkness and flickers of light
every one travelling
none of them know
*************************************
all that remained
of his eight decades
was a mud pot
and a handful of remains
I was not listening to the priest
the stairs on the Ghat were cold
with my freezing hands
inside the water
He and I touched freedom
************************************
The house was the same
the world wasn't
I lay in his bed
I packed his medicines
touched his papers
his clothes
life had to go on
I kept asking why
***********************************
Yes I was smiling
laughing aloud
because he liked me that way
and I wanted him
to know
I was fine
***********************************
some fond memory
and mummy would smile
for a few seconds
before she broke down again
he knew I was trying
***********************************
rituals, visitors
cheque books, bills
lawyers, offices
papers, decisions
only in the pauses
I closed my eyes
and we met
************************************
finally me and mom
alone
nothing to tell each other
she made me some tea
I combed her hair
************************************
my little one plays
stone-paper-scissor
a death is a litmus test
so many real faces revealed
*************************************
grief is a long lonely road
I look for Rumi, Buddha
they were right
the wound is where
the light enters
the journey is
actually the destination
*************************************
one journey has ended
another lonely one continues
in a sacred fire
all my fears melted
memories cling
like a fragrance
now I know
everything is temporary
so why worry
***************************************
