Dear Woman,
Hi! Don’t be annoyed about me not using your name. Your
name doesn’t matter, nor do your circumstances or identity. You could be an
urban, educated, liberal, independent modern girl, or a not so educated,
conservative, traditional rural girl.
He could be your husband, lover, boyfriend, live-in
partner, but none of these permutations and combinations alter the anatomy of your
emotionally abusive relationship.
Remember the first time he cracked a misogynist joke in
your presence and you smiled or maybe even laughed along, after all he was your
man, you were expected to stand by whatever he said, believed or laughed at.
Remember the first lump in your throat he caused. It
could be about something as trivial as your bra-strap showing or the tea not
being just right. You sobbed in the washroom or wept aloud after he was gone and then turned into self-censor for your dresses and recipes (well done).
He loved you,
you told yourself over and over again, he meant well, of course good women like
you never annoy their men.
Remember how suddenly you the woman of his dreams became
someone else- selfish, conniving, clumsy. How every conversation was suddenly
flooded with accusations or threats? “If you love me…became the string, and you
the puppet.Obviously you are nurturer by birth, aren't you?
Remember how you surrendered slowly to criticism,
prying and his overbearing presence in your life. But love is supposed to
overwhelm, isn’t it, you must believe.
He was asking for your undivided time and attention. You
were his woman and that was such a privilege. Remember when a few times you did
meekly voice your discomfort, and he said you were just overreacting. Of course
you were too sensitive and sentimental like most women are, or maybe it was
‘that time of the month’; definitely your emotions had become faulty and so
inconsequential. You were making a mountain out of a mole-hill; women must have
the patience and tolerance like Mother Earth.
Remember the flowers followed by the apologies? He was
just following the blue-print of a perfect romance. You must have surely
provoked him, otherwise he was a good man, the man you so loved. He never hit
you, only said a few rude words now and then, or just denied conversations and sex.
Remember how your priorities changed? But then that is
what women are supposed to do, right? He should always come first, even before
you for you; you did learn a new way of love, erasing yourself.
You liked what he liked, disliked what he disliked and
yet you couldn’t make him happy. Didn’t anyone tell you, boys will be boys? Why
couldn’t you just let him be and continue loving him unconditionally?
Dear Woman, women must not have too much self-respect
dear, or it becomes ego, there is one valid ego in this world the male one.
Now though I and any sane woman would advise you
against it, here I give you an excerpt from my personal feminist manifesto, but
follow it at your own risk, your love is at the stake.
· Learn more about intimate partner violence.
(You know it is fashionable to talk about cycle of violence.)
· If you suspect that another woman
around you is being abused, show concern, listen, show her my letter. (But how can one powerless
woman help another?)
· Speak in hushed tones about the abuse and
the abusers but never ever interfere, it is their ‘personal matter’. Also why
bother when he can most probably get away with it.
· Show your support but not at the risk your
own abusive relationship.
· Last resort- Call the police. (But beware that
involves a lot of shamelessness.)
Last but not the least stay safe and never wash dirty
linen in public.
Remain a good Indian girl always like your mother and her mother before her (Watch Mother India once a week) and be a role model for your sisters and daughters.
We must all get married and stay married, at any cost.
Yours truly
Pseudo-feminist agony auntie
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| Image : Google Images |
(Disclaimer: The author recognizes EMOTIONAL ABUSE as a
serious act of violence in intimate relationships. The views/opinions expressed
are in a sarcastic vein and are meant to highlight the ironical perceptions about abuse in the society we live.If this letter makes your angry, it has succeeded in its purpose.)
Must read a copy of Meena Kandasamy’s new book, When I Hit Youhttp://bit.ly/Meenabk2 because the conspiracy of silence around domestic abuse labeling it as a personal matter,must be broken, because one story is many stories.
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